Jokes... whole life is a friggin joke, well anyway... heres couple for this site theme...
What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Why are guitarist's fingers like lightning?
They rarely hit same spot twice
And heres my favorite one...
What's the easiest way to get a guitarist to stop playing?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
and last one this time...
A guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the guitarist to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The guitarist says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to bass..."
Joined: 25 Jul 2007 United States Lessons: 12 Licks: 42 Karma: 38 Moderator
Thought this was kinda funny too.
A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy.
The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK'
He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?'
The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.
i know a couple, heres one from our windsurfing youth group.
There was a man who was so rich he had gold everything. A gold house, gold teeth, gold staircase, you name it. So one night he's very tired and comes to the conclusion he needs to go to bed, so he put on his gold pyjamas and gold slippers and when to bed. Later that night he heard the golden door bell. So he put on his golden dressing gown, got out of his golden bed, walk out his golden bedroom, walked down the golden stairs, down the golden hallways and opened the golden door. It was a homeless person wanting to spend the night. So him being so rich he thought sure why not and invited him in. so he went all the way back to bed. The man then heard a second knock at the door. So he put on his golden dressing gown, got out of his golden bed, walk out his golden bedroom, walked down the golden stairs, down the golden hallways and opened the golden door. It was yet another homeless person wanting to stay the night. so sure he has 2 more rooms spare so he invited him in and went back to bed. about an hour later he hears the door bell yet again, and by now hes gettin pretty sick of being woken up. So he put on his golden dressing gown, got out of his golden bed, walk out his golden bedroom, walked down the golden stairs, down the golden hallway and opens the golden door. It was yet another homeless person wanting to stay the night so as he had another room free he invited the homeless person in. he then went back to bed. the next morning he woke up and walked back downstairs and saw the homeless people eating breakfast in his golden kitchen. one of the homeless had golden toast. the other two on the other hand had cereal.
what is the moral of this story?
every 1/3 homeless people prefer toast to cereal
cruel i know im sorry
oh and i must post this. it is a joke by bill bailey.
Joined: 23 Dec 2007 United States Lessons: 1 Karma: 45 Moderator
JazzMaverick says:
does that mean I'm going to be g@y in the future?
Yes Jazzy it does! It's a scientific fact actually. hahaha
Better start learning some Melissa Etheridge tunes.
I have some plaid shirts and thick toe work boots if you wear a size 9 1/2.
(I couldn't help it) Hey I don't think you will be allowed to have long hair either. Gonna have to cut off the golden locks! It's some sort of rule.
Phip
A guy goes into a pub and a man sitting at the bar has in front of him a tiny man about 12 inches tall playing beautiful music on a piano. In shock the guys says, "that's awesome, where did you get it?" He says, "I got it from a genie granting wishes out in the alley but I think he's hard of hearing". The guy says, "why do you say that?" He says, "do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist!!??"
A priest and a golfer were playing golf, and everytime the golfer missed, he said (censored) missed and it continued, untill the priest couldent take it, and he yelled " do not cuss! Or god will punish you." and the worker keeped on cussing, so the priest said, thats it! GOD PUNIsH hiM, and a huge lightning bolt went down and hit the priest, and a voice from above said "(censored) missed!)
Joined: 28 Aug 2008 United Kingdom Lessons: 24 Licks: 37 Karma: 47 Moderator
Two women walk into a bar... that was dumb wasn't it?
I also found some bumper stickers:
- Keep honking while I reload.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
-5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
-------------------------------------
'Twas the night before Christmas
and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Oprah, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Barbie and Ken, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be ***,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth."
Joined: 23 Dec 2007 United States Lessons: 1 Karma: 45 Moderator
You guys are BAAAAAAD!
ok,
A husband and wife are about to celebrate their 30th anniversary. He makes reservations at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon. He even manages to book the same room. He orders champaigne and flowers and they get all comfy on the bed and he kisses her. He gets a little frisky and she stops him.
"just imagine" she says, "thirty years together. Tell me what you were thinking that night on our honeymoon."
He says, "well to tell you the truth all I could think was that I was going to f*** your brains out!"
She replies "Oh, you were such a beast, and thirty years later what are you thinking at this very minute?"
"I think it worked!"
Phip
please, no hate mail.
elliott made me do it!
i don't even like that joke.
I think it's terrible, Elliott, why did you force me to tell that awful joke? you're a very, very bad man, very bad!
lol
A cop pulled me over and said "Your eyes look red, have you been smoking?"
To which I responded "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
What did the fish say when he hit a brick wall?
DAM
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel
Where can you find a turtle with no limbs?
Right where you left it.
Joined: 23 Dec 2007 United States Lessons: 1 Karma: 45 Moderator
@DrGonzo,
now you see, some nice clean jokes. I should have told a nice joke like those but Elliott forced me.
Good ones!
Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
If you had everything in the world where would you keep it?
I remember the time I, no wait, that was someone else.........
Phip
There is a farmer with 3 daughters w all have dates tonight.
The first daughter's date shows up and says to the farmer:
"My name is Eddie I'm here for Betty we're gonna go eat spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer calls for Betty and they leave.
The next daughter's date shows up and says to the farmer:
"My name is Joe I'm here for Flo we're going to a show is she ready to go?" The farmer calls for Flo and they leave.
The third daughter's date shows up and says to the farmer:
"My name is Chuck I-" and the farmer shoots him.
Joined: 21 Aug 2008 United Kingdom Licks: 2 Karma: 19
I don't know, how do you keep a moron in suspense? :D
The joke was all the boy friends made ryhmes about what they were going to do with the farmer's daughter, think what naughty name 'Chuck' could ryhme with? The farmer didn't like where it was going!
Right after a horse race is over, all of the horses are in the stable and they are congratulating the winner. The winning horse says, "thank you all very much! This is the first time I ever won a race! The wierd thing is that I heard a bell ring right when I crossed the finish line. Have any of you ever heard this bell ring when you crossed the finish line?" Other horses were saying, "yes. I heard that too! What is that?" They are all discussing this when all of the sudden a dog from the dog track across the way comes up and says, "Yeah! We hear that bell too at the dog track! What the hell is that?" One of the horses pulls up and says, "Oh my God! A talking dog!"
Joined: way back United Kingdom Lessons: 1 Karma: 20 Moderator
What's white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you instantly?
A fridge.
What's the difference between an angry Lloyds TSB employee and Gordon Brown?
One's a warring banker, the other's a boring ******.
And now for one of the most disgusting jokes in the thread so far...
A vampire goes into a bar and says to the barman "Alright mate? A pint of blood please." The barman says "We don't serve vampires and we don't sell blood, get out". A while later a second vampire goes into the bar and asks for the same thing, resulting in the same response from the increasingly angered barman. About an hour later the third vampire goes into the bar and asks for a pint of blood, getting the same response as the other two. He says "Alright, calm down, no harm done. In that case I'll have a pint of boiling water please." The barman, though perplexed, obliges, and placing the pint of boiling water on the bar asks "What the hell do you want that for?"
At which point the vampire reaches into his pocket, pulling out a used tampon, dropping it in the glass and says "You never heard of teabags?"
