new song-the worst WARNING DARK.THEMES. |
Technique |
| gshredder2112 |
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10 Jul 2011 01:43 | Quote |
Joined: 03 Sep 2010 United States  Licks: 3 Karma: 22 
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This a song writren about my ex gf and her brother.
Text for registered users only |
| Guitarslinger124 |
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11 Jul 2011 02:17 | Quote |
Joined: 25 Jul 2007 United States Lessons: 12 Licks: 42 Karma: 38 Moderator
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Cool idea, but the structure could use some words. Sentences were put together fairly well, they just didn't flow all that great. A little short too, don't you think?
Rock on! |
| gshredder2112 |
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11 Jul 2011 02:30 | Quote |
Joined: 03 Sep 2010 United States Licks: 3 Karma: 22
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Yeah it could use some work.But it really wasnt supposed to flow,its
more of a story type thing,that gives info
without rhymes and such.Like a poem.what would
you change?
M/(*-+)
gs2112
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| Guitarslinger124 |
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11 Jul 2011 02:59 | Quote |
Joined: 25 Jul 2007 United States Lessons: 12 Licks: 42 Karma: 38 Moderator
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Well, I wouldn't want to put words into your story, but like I said, it could use some more length. If this is in fact more of a story, than just finish it; bring it full circle so the reader has more of a clue as to what exactly is going on here.
I wouldn't changes anything about the plot or word usage. Just smooth it out a bit.
Rock on! |
| gshredder2112 |
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11 Jul 2011 11:19 | Quote |
Joined: 03 Sep 2010 United States Licks: 3 Karma: 22
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I got ya,more of a conclusion. |
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