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Old Song

5 Feb 2009 09:45 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jan 2009
United States
This is a song I wrote years ago when I was in a real bad place. Just looking for some feedback. And be honest. Thanks!


In Nothingness there is no pain.
Thereís no happy, no sad, no feelings at all...

I can hear everyone of my molecules screaming.
My whole body is shaking.
I feel like Iím dreaming,
with no hope of waking.
Thereís nothing more for me to do.
Iíve served my purpose in this life.
Iíve done all there is, Iím finally through.
Iíll end it tonight with the blade of a knife.

Nothingness happens when the knife hits the vein.
Nothingness happens when youíve stopped all the pain.

Now Iím onto the next act,
This is the one where I donít come back.
I'm falling quickly with no hope of slowing.
And thereís no knowing where I'm going.
But itís got to be better than this.
Iím sick of life being so unfair.
Iíd love to live in nothingness.
Even if thereís nothing there.

Nothingness happens when the vein meets the knife.
Nothingness happens when youíve ended your life.

These days I try to write more folksy stuff but I got others like this, just gott keep it real, you know?
27 Feb 2009 09:38 | Quote
Joined: 27 Feb 2009
United States
Karma: 1
Pretty dark..ouch!

Some lyrical ideas I like:
"Iíd love to live in nothingness.
Even if thereís nothing there."
- contrast of being somewhere that is nothing..

The rhyme, however, is a bit too harsh- meaning, rhyming every line

I would suggest no rhyming 1,1,2,2
line 1
line 2 (1)
line 3
line 4 (1)

Every line in the stanza does not need to rhyme with a line somewhere.

Just some thoughts.
27 Feb 2009 15:42 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jan 2009
United States
Thanks, I really appreciate the input. Whenever I write I try to vary up my rhyme schemes but a lot of the time it ends up being really harsh or basic.
27 Feb 2009 16:17 | Quote
Joined: way back
Lessons: 1
Karma: 9
its a good idea for a song, i lik it, yep, maybe way too dark, but when you wrote it, it was what you felt, and maybe still feel. i dont see anything that sounds bad, but if i heard it it would give me a sharper idea
27 Feb 2009 17:09 | Quote
Joined: 18 Jan 2009
United States
Yeah I don't feel like that anymore. But this song reminds me of a sadder time in my life. I'm working on some more upbeat stuff.

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