Old Song

This is a song I wrote years ago when I was in a real bad place. Just looking for some feedback. And be honest. Thanks!

“Nothingness”


In Nothingness there is no pain.
There’s no happy, no sad, no feelings at all...


I can hear everyone of my molecules screaming.
My whole body is shaking.
I feel like I’m dreaming,
with no hope of waking.
There’s nothing more for me to do.
I’ve served my purpose in this life.
I’ve done all there is, I’m finally through.
I’ll end it tonight with the blade of a knife.

Nothingness happens when the knife hits the vein.
Nothingness happens when you’ve stopped all the pain.

Now I’m onto the next act,
This is the one where I don’t come back.
I'm falling quickly with no hope of slowing.
And there’s no knowing where I'm going.
But it’s got to be better than this.
I’m sick of life being so unfair.
I’d love to live in nothingness.
Even if there’s nothing there.

Nothingness happens when the vein meets the knife.
Nothingness happens when you’ve ended your life.

These days I try to write more folksy stuff but I got others like this, just gott keep it real, you know?

Pretty dark..ouch!

Some lyrical ideas I like:
"I’d love to live in nothingness.
Even if there’s nothing there."
- contrast of being somewhere that is nothing..

The rhyme, however, is a bit too harsh- meaning, rhyming every line
1
1
2
2
3
4
3
4

I would suggest no rhyming 1,1,2,2
Instead
line 1
line 2 (1)
line 3
line 4 (1)

Every line in the stanza does not need to rhyme with a line somewhere.

Just some thoughts.

Thanks, I really appreciate the input. Whenever I write I try to vary up my rhyme schemes but a lot of the time it ends up being really harsh or basic.

its a good idea for a song, i lik it, yep, maybe way too dark, but when you wrote it, it was what you felt, and maybe still feel. i dont see anything that sounds bad, but if i heard it it would give me a sharper idea

Yeah I don't feel like that anymore. But this song reminds me of a sadder time in my life. I'm working on some more upbeat stuff.